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Twilight Princess: The Real Version
Note: This story is a satirical spoofy version of the Twilight Princess storyline. Not everything is going to be exactly like how the game went, so don't freak out if things seem a bit goofy at times. Dialogue, in particular. Link acts kind of like a cross between the CDI/cartoon Link, so don't freak out at his personality. Our story begins with Link, an ordinary eighteen year old farmboy from Ordon Village. Later in this story, he discovers he is a great hero, chosen by the goddesses to save Hyrule from the darkness closing in on it slowly like a snake approaching a helpless frog. Okay, so that was a poor analogy. Let's just get to the story, shall we? One day, Link was talking with a man named Rusl. Well, actually, Rusl was doing most of the talking. "Tell me Link, does the fall of dusk ever getcha down? It makes me feel like absolute garbage!" said Rusl. Link said nothing in response. After listening to some crickets chirping, Rusl continued his speech. "You know, they say that during this twilight, is the time when our world intersects with the other world, and you can see ghosts lingering on complaining to each other about how much their lives sucked when they were in physical form," Rusl continued. "And if hearing a bunch of ghosts and spirits bitching about their 'lives' isn't enough, you can also sometimes get hit on the head by a ballistic inter-dimensional Deku Scrub who fires invisible chestnuts at ya!" he added. Link was staring into space. "Anyway, I'm tired of talking about that depressing hogwash, I've got a favor to ask of you, Link! I was supposed to deliver something important to the royal family of Hyrule tomorrow! It was a task assigned to me by the mayor. Can you do it for me instead? Say, you've never been to Hyrule before, have you Link" asked Rusl. Link was still being silent. "Damn kid, can you say ANYTHING? Anyway, in the kingdom of Hyrule, there's this giant castle bigger than ten mega churches, and around it is a bustling town full of merchants, trade, and nightclubs where travelers and conspiracy theorists get together and drink beer. Oh, and far bigger than Hyrule is the rest of the world the gods created for us. Anyway, it's getting late, you look kinda tired and spacey, I'll talk to the mayor about all this crap. See ya!" said Rusl. Link headed back to his house to take a nap. He fell into a much deeper sleep than he had expected to, however. MUCH MUCH LATER: Link was rudely awoken in the middle of his dream by the local rancher Fado running up to his house, bashing the door with his huge fist, shouting and yelling. "Hey, you mind helpin' me herd the goats?" asked Fado. "It's 2:00 in the morning, I ain't herding no goats" said Link. "You want some root beer floats?" asked Fado. Link came dashing out in his PJ's, while wearing his expensive Pegasus Boots. "BOY WOULD I!" said Link happily. "You're gonna have to herd the goats first. You wanna be a man right?" said Fado. "YES, MAN!" said Link. "That's yes sir to you, cheekymouth" said Fado. Fado eventually got Link to hesitantly go to the ranch to herd goats for him. "Well, where is she?" asked Fado. "The girl of my dreams?" asked Link. Fado put his hand over his eyes, looking as if he was in extreme pain. "NO! Epona, your horse. How are you gonna herd goats without a horse, boy?" yelled Fado. "I can make Epona come!" said Link. "How?" asked Fado. "Simple, watch this" said Link pulling some blades of unusual looking grass from the ground. He placed one pair of them near his lips and began playing it as if it were a harmonica. Fado, with a confused look, began walking towards Link to scold him, but before he could say anything, low and behold, there was Epona, side by side with Link. Link began patting Epona on the back. "That's a good horse!" said Link, smiling. "How did you do that?" asked Fado. "If I showed you that demonstration again, another horse might come running up, do you really want that to happen?" asked Link. "No, the idea isn't to scare the goats per se, it's more to just get them into the barn. Anyway, you have twenty seconds to round up those goats, and if you're not done in time, shame on you, boah!" said Fado. So Link mounted Epona, and began attempting to herd the goats. Or rather, the goats began attempting to herd Link. And herd Link and his horse they did. They chased Link into the barn, and nudged the door shut, baa-ing and laughing at him. "HELP!" yelled Link. "No worries Link, before you were a grown enough man to do this kind of work, I had this happen all the time!" said Fado. Fado helped Link and Epona get out of the barn. Then Fado pulled up the same magic plant that Link used to summon Epona, thinking more horses would show up. It didn't work. "Hey, how come there aren't any other horses showing up?" asked Fado. "BECAUSE YOU PLAYED EPONA'S SONG!" said Link. Epona came rushing up to Fado, leaving Link to fall flat on his butt, approached Fado, and began licking him. "AAAUGH! Never do that again" said Link. "No, Epona, shoo, don't do that!" said Fado. "Well Link, how do you propose we get the goats into the barn?" "Let me try one more time, and if that doesn't work, we'll get out the lasso, like old times" said Link. "That's my boy! Well put, son" said Fado, giving Link the peace sign. Link and Epona were finally able to herd up all the remaining goats back into the barn. Afterwards, Link asked for a reward. "Can I have a root beer float?" asked Link. "Heh. That was just a way to con you into herding goats for me. Here, you get a purple rupee instead, that's not too shabby, right?" said Fado. "SWEET!" said Link, as he was about to eat the rupee. "Man, have you spent too much time at Telma's bar or something? Only four year olds try to eat rupees, you need some more sleep, sorry I woke ya" said Fado. Link went back to his house to try and catch up on some sleep, but hours later, at about 6:00 in the morning, he heard Talo, Malo, and Beth going on and on yelling about some new slingshot availible in the store. They started knocking on Link's door vigerously, practically banging it down just to try and get his attention. They often did this. Link came out in his PJ's. "Look guys, I'm trying to get some sleep. A slingshot?" Link asked. "Yeah, a slingshot" said Malo. "And guess what? The shop isn't even open this early" Link protested. "BREAK IN!" yelled Malo, the spookiest kid of the group. "Look, I'll check it out in the morning!" said Link. AND SO THE SUN ROSE: As soon as the sun rose, Link got out of bed and left his house. He spotted Colin, another friend of his, who had promised to make him a fishing rod a few days ago. "Hey Link, you have the day off work right?" said Collin. "Sure do. Sup?" asked Link. "I finally finished that fishing gizmo I had been working on for ya. Maybe you can catch a fish and use it to lure the lost cat in town back to its owner. This old woman in the village, she keeps yapping about her pet cat all the time driving everyone crazy. I swear, she should have to do community service for a whole year just for the pain she's put us all through over her kitty cat situation! But what should I know? I'm just a kid!" said Collin. "Well excuse me, that does sound kinda bad!" said Link. "Yeah. Anyway Link, my dad said for you to come to town to get the fishing rod!" said Colin. "Alright. I could go for some food too. I'm so hungry, I could eat an Octorock!" said Link. "Please, please, don't say that ever again" replied Colin. So Link called Epona with his trusty grass whistle, and ventured into town. After Link entered Ordon Village, he immediately went to the shop to try out the new slingshot the kids were yapping about to see if it would live up to the hype. He opened the door and spoke with the owner of the store. "Hi, I'd like a slingshot please? Do you have any in stock?" asked Link. "My name is Sera. As much as I would love to sell you a slingshot, I'm afraid I can't. The Kitty Kat Alert system has reached a red level, and the entire town will be under lockdown soon if I can't get my kitten back" said Sera. "Well excuse me, Sera. I have some shiny purple rupies you know" said Link. "Nine hundred and ninety nine thousand ruppees could not possibly make up for the loss of my sweet kitten! Now be gone, child!" said Sera. "Actually I'm 18" said Link. "Sure you are!" said Sera. She ordered Link out of the store. Link, with dejected eyes, headed towards the small lake near the village looking for the lost cat, when suddenly he saw a woman all up in arms over her lost cradle for her baby. "Hello. My name is Uli. Young man, have you seen my baby cradle? It's very small. I have this strange feeling a little monkey took him!" said Uli. "Well Uli, if that is in fact your real name, I'll check up on it ok?" said Link. Meanwhile, Link saw Hanch sitting on a rock looking up at a large boulder. Atop the boulder was a small monkey holding Uli's baby. "Hey, Link, over here!" said Hanch. "I've been trying to get this baby cradle away from this monkey. It belongs to my wife! Can you help me?" asked Hanch. "Sure. I have a psychic way with birds!" said Link. Link picked up a piece of unusual looking grass and began playing it. It sounded like a flute when he did so. No sooner did Link do this, then a giant hawk came out of nowhere, and swooped up the baby cradle away from the monkey. Hanch screamed for joy. Then the hawk deposited the cradle in Uli's hands. Uli was just about to thank the hawk, when Link quickly ran up to her proclaiming his brilliant mind powers. "I did it! Don't thank the hawk. I controlled the hawk with my awesome telekenitic psychic totem animal mind control" said Link. Link then felt himself being thwacked repeatedly on the head with a fishing pole. "Well, at any rate I got my cradle back, so take this" said Uli. Link proudly displayed the fishing pole above his head. "You look like such a dork" said Uli. "A heroic dork!" added Link. Link took the fishing pole to the nearbye lake, attached a bobber to it, and attempted to fish. He got a bite, and reeled in a Hyrule Bass, steadily. A small kitten approached Link, meowing to be fed. "Awww! He's so cute. I know, I'll use psychological torture to get him back to his owner" thought Link. Link waved the fish in front of the kitten, all the way back to the store owner's shop. When he finally got inside the shop, the store owner, Sera, came up and hugged Link, smothering him with kisses. "Can I have a slingshot?" Link asked. "YES! FREE!" yelled Sera. "Whatever, thanks" said Link, leaving the shop and heading home. Malo, Talo, and Beth saw Link with his slingshot. "Does it make you fly?" asked Talo. "Uhh, no" said Link. "Ooh, try shooting those mysterious targets on the trees, the origin of which I have no idea" said Beth. "Right right, I'm sure you guys put them there right?" asked Link. "No" yelled Malo, Talo, and Beth in unison. Link took aim at the trees. He hit every shot, dead accurate. "You're a dead fly!" said Malo. "Uhh, I think it's called a dead-eye!" said Talo. "You're incredible!" said Beth. "Yeah, yeah sure. Whatever! I'm outta here!" said Link. "DON'T GO!" yelled the trio of kids in unison. "Colin's dad Rusl is gonna bring you something incredible. In fact, I think he already did, in your house!" they added. "Oh really?" said Link. Link checked inside his house, near his bed, and found a WOODEN SWORD. Then he practiced with it in front of the kids on a scarecrow. Talo, Malo, and Beth (but especially Beth and Malo) were very impressed with Link's seemingly innate skills, almost as if he had been re-incarnating throughout the ages, to use swordplay. "MONKEYS!" yelled Malo. "Yeah, monkeys" repeated Talo. Sure enough, there really were two monkeys, in some nearbye bushes. Talo and Malo chased them into the forest. "Oh no, the last time they did this they got captured and held hostage by those stupid monkeys!" said Beth. "You'd better check it out!" "I'll do better! I'll get to the forest by Pony Express" said Link. Link called Epona with some musical grass. "How'd you do that?" asked Beth. "Well excuse me, it's a secret" replied Link. "Between us?" asked Beth. "Uhh, no. See ya!" said Link as he mounted Epona and rode off into the woods in search of adventure. Ten minutes later... Link reached Faron Woods. He stumbled upon a strange man who seemed to be asleep. Link tapped him on the shoulder. "HUH? WHAT THE HELL? Oh hi funny looking grasshopper man. It's dangerous to go alone, take this" said the strange man, handing Link a fully filled oil lantern. He was apparently a lantern oil salesman. "Anytime you think it's too dangerous to go alone without lantern oil, stop by me, and give me all your rupees!" said the lantern oil salesman. "K, thanks, bye!" said Link. He headed off into a cave. Within a few minutes, he ran out of oil. He went back to the salesman to buy more. This cycle repeated for quite some time, until finally, he decided he would stop trying to kill bats with his lantern. This made things slightly easier. When he finally got out of the cave, he came across some monsters, Bokoblins. He killed the monsters with his powerful WOODEN SWORD, and ventured forward, deeper into the mysterious woods. He finally found Talo, trapped in a cage, along with some monkeys who were also trapped in cages. Some Bokoblins appeared, but Link killed them, and he set the children free. "Don't tell Daddy I set off into the woods okay? And don't hurt the monkeys, they were nice, it was the Bokoblins who were bad to us!" said Talo. Malo agreed. So Talo and Malo and Link headed back home. They met up with Rusl, the father of the two boys. "LINK! You saved my boys! Thank you, you might just be a true hero. Anyway, tomorrow you're gonna go to Hyrule to help me get that message to those royal folks. And hey, you might get to meet Princess Zelda, she's hot stuff!" said Rusl, winking at Link. "Really? A princess?" said Link. "Yep!" said Rusl. The next day... "Morning Link!" said Fado, as Link exited his home. "Have you been standing there all night?" asked Link. "Heh, no. I'm just eager to get started on some goat herding" said Fado. MANY HOURS OF GOAT HERDING AT FADO'S RANCH LATER: "Hoo, ya'll can herd goats kid. Well, you'd best be off then! Be careful on that fence. Going to Hyrule? That's amazing. Good luck getting there. Break a leg!" said Fado. As Link attempted to cross over the fence to get to the village with Epona, Epona tripped, and broke her leg. Link's friend Illia came rushing to Epona's side. "What did you do to Epona?" yelled Illia. "Fado told me to break a leg. I didn't want to break my own, so I compromised?" said Link. "Not funny Link!" said Illia. "I know, I feel bad for Epona. But what do you want me to do about it?" said Link. "Be more careful. You're a moron" said Illia. "Hey I thought you and me were BF and GF" said Link. Just then the mayor, Illia's dad, came. "Don't be too rough on the boy" said Mayor Bo. "How can you be so easy on this guy? You're the mayor. Mayors are supposed to make broken horse legs feel better instantly, and to punish the people that caused the broken legs!" said Illia. "Where did you read that?" asked Mayor Bo. "No time to explain. I need to take Epona to the forest spring right now" said Illia. She took Epona away into the forest. Link followed...like an idiot. LINK ARRIVES AT THE SPRING: "Sorry about earlier Link. I was too hard on you. The injury to Epona's leg doesn't seem to serious anyway!" said Illia, rubbing Epona's leg with some healing Hyrulian holy oil. "That's good. How about a kiss?" said Link. "What? Anyway, Link, promise me this. No matter what happens on your journey, try not to do anything out of your league!" said Illia. "I promise!" said Link. Suddenly an entire cavalry unit of Bulbins came riding in on piggyback, galloping up to Link and Illia. The leader shot Illia in the back with a bow and arrow, sending her falling to the ground, seemingly dead (but not really). Then they beat up on Link, and knocked him unconcious as well. Thirty minutes later, he began to wake up. "Something's happening me" said Link, as he began to feel fur growing on his back. He then felt his entire body slowly morph into a wolf. "I'm becoming a werewolf? No wait, a REAL WOLF!" yelled Link. A giant red hand then appeared out of nowhere, accordingly, just like they always do, and snatched up Link, dragging him into an alternate dimension. THE ALTERNATE DIMENSION: Link, who we shall now refer to as "Wolf Link" woke up, and found himself in a jail cell, chained to the wall. "Who are you? You're kinda cute, tee hee! My name is Midna. Can I call you wolfy?" said a strange small and shadowy well-proportioned helmet-wearing female figure outside the steel bars of the cage. On her helmet seemed to be the same red hand that pulled Link into the alternate dimension (though it was most likely just really similar). Wolf Link could hardly believe his eyes. He growled at Midna. "Oh you animal! Teehee! Don't growl at me! I like you! I'm gonna help you get out of here" said Midna. Wolf Link continued to growl, and broke free from his chains. "Come on, you know about going through holes and stuff right? There's probably a hole you can crawl through that can get you out of that cage. Seriously, holes are like, all over the place! Do what you were born to do, DIG!" said Midna. Wolf Link began digging himself an underground tunnel, and sure enough, he was able to get out of the cage, over to where the oddly attractive shadow being was, whose name was Midna. "Come along, let's do some EVP work! Oh wait, you're a wolf, you can sense things that others can't! Yeah, so try using your senses and talk to ghosts and stuff!" said Midna. Wolf Link and the shadow began cavorting all through the Hyrule Castle sewers, talking to ghosts, teasing ghosts, buying coffee from ghosts, eating leftover scraps, playing board games with each other (and ghosts), and over time, through teamwork, they finally reached a spiral staircase, which they proceeded to climb. When they reached the top, they saw a large door, which Midna proceeded to open, using her large hand that sprang out of her helmet. "Helmet hands, they never fail!" said Midna giggling mischeviously. As they entered the next room, they saw a beautiful woman wearing a cloak. She turned her head to see Midna, whom she instantly recognized. (They had been friends since like, forever in Hyrulian High, they practically acted like sisters.) "Midna?" asked Princess Zelda. "Is that you?" "You better believe it" said Midna. "And I brought a new friend, he's the one, the hero. His name is Wolfy. Isn't he cute?" said Midna. "He's the one you were searching for? Are you sure? He might have fleas" said Princess Zelda. "Well sure, he's not exactly my dream guy, but he'll do. Won't you wolfy! You're gonna save the world, oh yes you will!" said Midna, scratching Wolf Link's ears. "He seems to take quite a liking to you, at any rate. He was imprisoned?" asked Zelda, as she noticed the ball and chain still dangling from his leg. "Yeah. Poor thing, he has no idea where he is or how he got here. So don't you think you should explain to him what you've managed to do? You owe him that much...Twilight Princess! Heehee!" said Midna giggling. Princess Zelda had a sorrowful sad look on her face, like she was turning emo, for realz. "Listen carefully... This was once the land where the power of the gods was said to slumber. This was once the kingdom of Hyrule. But that blessed kingdom has been transformed by the king that rules the twilight... It has been turned into a world of shadows, ruled by creatures who shun the light!" said Zelda. "I like it so far!" said Midna, in her tiny cute voice, eating popcorn from a popcorn bag that seemed to have come out of nowhere. "I'm not done, Midna, darling. Now, as I was saying, this great evil came to my kingdom one day. I was sitting on the throne, eating chocolate, when suddenly it happened. The invasion occured. An evil usuper king by the name of Zant entered my castle, and forced me to surrender, or he and his army would kill me! So I surrendered, I felt I had no choice" said Princess Zelda, with tears in her eyes. "What? What kind of princess are you? I'm Midna, princess of power! I would have kicked Zant's butt!" said Midna. "Look in the mirror, sister. When he came to your kingdom, you got turned into an imp" said Zelda. "A sexy imp at that!" added Midna. "An imp, nevertheless. Now listen to the rest of my tale. Twilight covered Hyrule like a shroud, and without light, the people became as spirits. Within the twilight, they live on, unaware that they have passed into spirit forms... All the people know now is fear... Fear of a nameless evil... The kingdom succumbed to twilight, but I remain its princess... I am Zelda" said Princess Zelda. "Don't look so sad. It'll be okay. Besides, is perpetual twilight really all that bad?" said Midna. "Yes, it sucks!" said Zelda. "Oh, I guess for you guys it does. And me too, cuz I'm stuck as an imp, yet I'm almost down with my new form, it isn't completely bad" said Midna. Zelda groaned. "Midna, get serious. The shadow beasts are searching for you" said Zelda. "Who wouldn't be searching for me? I'm so cute and loveable!" said Midna. "Midna, why are they searching for you? This is terrible" said Zelda. "I don't know. You tell me, tee hee!" giggled Midna. Zelda rolled her eyes in disdainment of Midna. "The guard will soon make his rounds. Leave here, quickly! So I decree!" ordered Zelda. To be continued...